Robyn Writes

The Sims Have Got It Made by ninthandash

I’ve been on a big The Sims kick lately. I’ve been playing everything, apart from the original: The Sims 3, The Sims 2 complete with most of the expansion packs, and had a quick go on the PS2 game although I never really got the hang of it. This is mostly because, with deadlines and exams coming up, I felt the need to procrastinate. I never find quite so many ways to waste my time as I do when there are important things that affect my future that I’m not doing. The Sims, in all incarnations, is a big time waster.

But then I wandered onto The Sims 2 University, and it started to piss me off a bit. The thing is, it’s easy for the sims. Tiny little simulated people that they are, it’s obviously easier for them because they have some big person up above telling them what to do (although this can also lead to disasters in the form of fire, drowning and just general death and unhappiness). I even started comparing my own life to the sims’, and sadly my own life came off worse.

#1: Love.
The biggest hurdle in life, I find. The Beatles (because it seems I can no longer write anything without slipping them in there) famously sang, love is all you need. Or, alternatively, love is all you need. Which makes me think, we should start a matchmaking service for homeless people, but that isn’t the point. The point is that the sims have it easier. Not because they have a matchmaking service which costs five thousands simoleons or so, because we have online dating. Both probably have the same success rate and online dating is, most of the time, much cheaper (although I’ll admit I don’t know the exchange rate between pounds and simoleons).

The sims have love potions, for a start. Drink a nice, pink coloured potion from a crystal decanter and you get flowers springing up beneath your feet and the option to make someone fall in love with you. But even without that, it’s pretty easy. They can be made to find each other attractive, for one thing. They can be literally made for each other. If I’m attracted to black-haired boys with piercings, can I make someone exactly like that and move them in next door to me? No. No, I can not.

And even overlooking that, all the sims have to do is wander up to someone, chat for a bit then throw in an ‘admire’. Follow that up with a flirt option, and they’re in love. From there, it’s easy to take it as fast or as slowly as you want. The sims only seem to hate each other if they cheat on each other, and that’s easy enough to avoid. So I feel that in this case, the sims win.

#2: Friends.
Some people find it difficult to make friends, right? Not on the Sims! For starters, people come around to welcome them into the neighbourhood. Greet these people and they wander into your house, you can call them for a chat without asking for their number, and it’s not like before you’re friends. There’s no such thing as just not getting along with someone. Not to mention, your sims can bring friends home from work. The parents and children usually get on. Obviously there are ways to change this, but if you play the game without purposely trying to make their lives hard, it’s fairly easy to make friends.

Not so in real life. Sometimes people don’t get on. You can’t just wander up to someone in a shop and start a conversation. And if someone I barely knew called me up at 7am to chat, I wouldn’t be impressed. I definitely think this is another win for the sims.

#3: Job/School.
I’m putting these as one, because the idea is generally the same. At work, it’s easy to get a promotion. The sims don’t have to have been to uni. They can start a job with no skills whatsoever and completely work their way up. In real life, could I get a job as a medical test subject and become a scientist simply by playing lots of chess? Or could I get a job as a golf caddy and become a professional freelance photographer? I believe the answer is ‘no’.

Not to mention school. All the sims do is their homework and their grades go shooting up. They never struggle to understand it. They never get upset if they can’t do it. And university? While I accept there is some value to doing term papers and studying books to pass, it still has the whether or not they understand it value. I could read book after book but if I don’t understand the material, I’m not going to get on the Dean’s list. It just seems so much easier on the sims and so much less hard work than it is in real life. Again, I feel this is a point to the sims.

While I could go on — there’s no hairdye, they can just change their hair and if they don’t like it, change it back, it can go from long to short, piercings aren’t permanent and tattoos come off with a change of clothes — I won’t, because I feel that I’ve made my point. Final score: 3-0 to the sims. So between being a real person and being a simulated one, I’d take the Sims every time.

Simple Plan, and why a Canadien band might ruin my sex life by soufex

I’ve been into Fugazi since I was around 12 or 13 years old. I credit Jawbreaker as one of my favourite bands of all time, ever.

I like Queer Black Flag cover bands, Love And Rockets, and Nothing Nice To Say. I support my local and global scene, I buy records from, and food for, my favourite artists.

I make my own band shirts.

And then, there’s Simple Plan.

A band who single handedly somehow manage to undo all my good work, revoke my hxc punx license, and cause my girlfriend to shake her head at me in despair.

And I don’t quite understand why. Sure, Pierre Bouvier isn’t getting any less whiny any time soon, and god forbid they might be on a major label, but they seem like good boys, and a lot of good work goes down in their name (for instance, the Simple Plan Foundation, a charitable organisation those pesky kids set up all by themselves). I admit when I was younger I probably would have been more quick to judge and call them filthy MTV sellouts, but under closer inspection, much like any other band they have worked hard to get to where they are today. Maybe it’s because so many customers at work seem to think I’m Canadien. (Incidentally, I’m still wondering if I can petition for citizenship with these figures.)

I’m going to go out and say it: I really like this band, they shall not be my guilty pleasure! My respect and appreciation is honest; in a culture where you can’t seem to escape elitism, you don’t go slinging love around for a band like Simple Plan to make yourself cooler. They’re too mainstream for hipster audiophiles to respect, but not pop culture enough for hipster audiophiles to fawn over in an ironic fashion. So, here and now, I’m standing up in my (100% cotton, hand screened, conscienciously produced, might I add) Role Model Co. t-shirt (tailored to fit, because their sizes are far too generous, or Canadiens are all just huge) and saying, hell yeah, I love Simple Plan. I love Simple Plan, and contrary to common belief, this does not negate my love for any other band I hold even dearer to my heart.

And granted, a multi-million selling, internationally acclaimed pop band doesn’t need my support or defence, but not taking it lying down probably puts in an appeal for my punx licence.

sfx.

PS. Some further listening, for those willing to put their licences on the line:

~Sébastien and Patrick’s Man of the Hour Hour, hosted by Sébastien Lefebvre and Patrick Langlois of PS, a regular hour-or-so long podcast made up of inane chatter with French accents and a pleasant mix of music from established and up-and-coming bands. (A while ago, Pat was bitching about how Joey Cape’s project Afterburner didn’t have enough listeners on MySpace, which pretty much set my love for him in stone.)

Show Stereotypes You Want To Punch In The Face: HEAVY FUCKING METAL

I remember doing one of these a long, long time ago, and even more vaguely remember saying there’d be a part two at some point. So pretty much a year later, here we go! Based on the fact that I went to a Municipal Waste show on Saturday, let’s do this METAL STYLE.

Thrash Metal Jacket
Seriously, why the hell do these guys think they’re cool? Denim jackets haven’t been in vogue since Saved By The Bell. I understand all about wanting to represent your favourite bands, but so many patches on one jacket? It’s confusing. It’s messy. It’s just not suave. These guys are also the ones who’ll be making the ‘devil horns’ gesture that nobody’s done since they were 14.

How to deal with them: Subliminal, subliminal mocking. You know you love it.

Emo kid, get the fuck outta Dodge!
The scene kid who should have been at the Kerrang! Tour next door, but decided to stick it out and be hardcore for some unknown reason. They’ll be found wearing a The Devil Wears Prada or Bless The Fall shirt, because that’s generally as close as they get to metal. You’ll recognise them instantly – just look for the fringe and skinny jeans. Usually found with friends.

How to deal with them: Fling ’em in the pit. Aiden might call out for a wall of death at their shows, but these kids will have no idea what a real one’s like.

Goth girl ain’t got style
I’m not generally one to poke fun at the goths. I went through that whole phase, I got some respect. However, when you’ve got a fucking huge mohawk, are wearing boots as tall as my shins and you’re stood right in front of me, then I’m gonna be pissed. Also, depending upon what metal gig you’re at, the goths can bring the mood right down. That’s cool when it’s Opeth, not so much when it’s Anthrax.

How to deal with them: Unfortunately, those boots are like body armour, making your job a bit tougher. However, attack them on the psychological front by wearing as much colour as possible.

Punk? In my metal show?
We can all be fans of whatever genre we like, that’s a given. But you still get those old punks – and I mean old – who share an affinity with the thrash metal guy due to their mutual love of denim jackets, studs and songs under two minutes long. Despite these deep rooted ties, they just look out of place now, especially as they’re balding, fat and work in an office.
How to deal with them: No need to bother, they might break a hip in the moshpit.

Mommy, can I go out and mosh tonight?
This was me, a very long time ago. And I bet I was annoying as fuck. You know who I mean – the little kids with parents in tow. It wasn’t too bad when I was a kid; my parents actually liked the same music as me. But I really feel for those parents who stand at the back with the merch, nodding politely, while their kids stand at the edge of the pit, too afraid to join in and generally getting in the way.

How to deal with them: Be nice! You were there too at one point. Hell, my dad still takes me to shows on occasion.

Show Stereotypes You Want To Punch In The Face pt 1

If you’re a regular concert goer, then there’s no doubt that you’ll know of the entire multitude of annoying people that can confront you when you’re there. Every time you go to a show, you will see these people. Whether it’s a low key affair with 80 people or an arena gig with 10,000 people, it’s inevitable. So, if you can’t escape it, why not poke subtle fun at their ridiculous facades? Find out how with TBO’s friendly guide!

The fangirl
Perhaps the most hated of all, the fangirl is sadly a common beast. They gather in groups, giggling away with their cameras at the ready so they can snap as many pictures of the ever so gorgeous lead singer that their Myspace will hold. Who knows, if they do enough whining and waiting, they may even get a photo with the lead singer himself. They know all the lyrics and they will sing them badly into your ears, blocking any sound of the band itself.

How to deal with them: Fangirls are relatively stupid for the most part. A simple “Look over there, it’s Gerard Way!” will distract them for a good ten minutes and send them off in the opposite direction. Alternatively, throw those free stickers that you got from the support band outside towards the moshpit. That’ll teach ’em.

The hardcore fan who can’t find the moshpit
Not quite as bad as fangirls, but almost as annoying. These guys also love the band to near rabid proportions, but it’s because they actually appreciate the music. The band just… gets them, man. Their lyrics are so perfect to life, you know? Most of the time, these guys are 15 and scared of the pit, so they jump and flail around in front of you instead, inflicting pain and irritation on a mass scale. Just asking them to move three steps to the left never works.

How to deal with them: A swift shove into the middle of the pit should sort them out in no time.

The couple at the front
Oh, how you hate the couple at the front. They’re usually attractive and in love and they will shove it in your face by kissing really overtly in front of you. They’re always right on the barrier, but they’re only ever paying attention to each other. Politely asking them to move will result in them parting, sneering a ‘fuck you’ and going back to default position. And they make you jealous because you’re single.

How to deal with them: Grab the nearest (and preferably most attractive) person to you and start making out with them. The couple at the front are not big fans of competition.

The elitist
Ah, the elitist. An old TBO favourite. They’re there to irritate you with their casual glances, hip clothing and know-it-all attitude. Really, they know everything about the band, but not in a creepy way – in that hip and awesome way that makes you wish that you were that passionate about your favourite band. They stand at the back, watching politely, eyes never wandering. Sometimes they appear with friends, but not often. You hate them because they’ll probably have a beer with the band later.

How to deal with them: The elitist never does anything to directly offend, so it’s difficult. To be honest, they’re impenetrable.

The scene queen
This used to only apply to pop-punk and those irritating metalcore shows, but now the scene queen is slowly creeping towards your subculture. You know the type – big hair, loud makeup, neon clothes; all the shit that reflects when the lights go on the crowd. They probably have a bad cursive tattoo of All Time Low lyrics across their chest and will bitch you out if you so much as look at them with mild disdain. Well, that is unless you get out a camera.

How to deal with them: Try and best them at their own game with some equally glaring makeup of your own. They hate scene queen rivals.

Remember – be prepared. Only you can protect your fellow show goers from these menaces!

A series of shorter reviews by ninthandash

Camera Obscura — My Maudlin Career.
I adore this, definitely my album of the summer. Lazy, summer-fused indie pop with a female vocalist, the songs are golden brown and induce images of laying half-asleep in the grass with heart-shaped sunglasses. This is the band’s fourth album and, as usual, betters the standards they’ve previously set. With a hint of irony — of course, the album was rated 8.3 on Pitchfork — Tracyanne Campbell sings, “This maudlin career has come to an end/ I don’t want to be sad again.” But the entire album showcases what Camera Obscura do best — the maudlin and nostalgic songs that inspire a strange feeling of melancholy. Compared perhaps too often to Belle & Sebastian, the similarities are there without a doubt, but in my opinion Camera Obscura do it better. This is one not to be missed.

Japandroids — Post-Nothing (Promo).
The quality is obviously sub-par, but this can be easily overlooked due to the fact this album is only a promo. That said, this builds an incredible level of anticipation to hear what the Japandroids will come up with for their official debut. The album opens with The Boys Are In Town, catchy and rough. The unpolished feel to all the tracks, instead of detracting from the music, simply adds a raw and honest energy to the tracks. The music takes the listener up and down on a rollercoaster, the melodies at first sounding entirely random but in fact acting as a common thread to pull the songs together. It’s exactly the kind of music that stays on repeat; dizzy and disorientating, with a catchy rush after each track. A+ for effort.

Sunn O))) — Monoliths and Dimensions.
While technically, this is a great album, nothing about drone or black metal is appealing. Two of the album’s four tracks are over sixteen minutes long, and the ‘drone’ genre is aptly named. While Sunn O))) are doing well for the genre, and are perhaps one of the best bands to come out of it, it’s like making the comparison to a Disney star; while they may be the best to come out of the Disney machine, it’s still not a notable achievement. The majority of the album sounds like nothing more than a single note being played repeatedly on a guitar, while the worst of it sounds like feedback from a slightly broken amp. This is definitely an album to avoid.

Cymbals Eat Guitars — Why There Are Mountains.
While Why There Are Mountains has moments of sheer genius; melodies rising above the lyrics, unexpected crashes and soars, sadly this isn’t enough. Described as the ‘indie road trip album’, this does sum it up, though not exactly in a good way. The album may be boring in a CD player or on an iPod, but would provide the perfect soundtrack to a road trip, acting as background music with friends and coming second to the landscape outside the window. The repetitive crescendos sound overly theatrical, and the band are simply trying to pack too many ideas into their music, leading parts to sound messy and like the band need a definitive idea of what they are trying to achieve. However, for a young band, and considering this is a self-released debut, it’s a strong effort and leaves the listener, while not overly impressed, anticipatory for what Cymbals Eat Guitars pull out of their hats next.

David Cook — S/T.
Yes, that’s right, the 2008 American Idol winner. I know, American Idol is nothing more than a glorified karaoke contest, and a fast-track to insta-fame. Believe me, I felt the same way. Fame — or, at least, success — should be earned. It should come from years of touring in a shitty van, playing to no one but a few friends and family, et cetera. But David Cook has done all that. He already has one album out pre-Idol that was self-released. He’s done the touring thing, done the working hard thing, and American Idol was his one last hurrah. Of course, this in no way justifies my guilty enjoyment of this album. But it’s so ironic that the man who fell so neatly into Idol’s ‘rockstar’ stereotype was entirely the type of man who, before, would have railed against the Idol-machine with the rest of us. And the album is catchy; Come Back To Me, for example, is upbeat and so fun that listeners will be humming it under their breaths all day. While the lyrics are, mostly, the cliched love songs that enspan most generic rock albums, there are a few gems. Permanent is one of them, a heart-wrenching lament to the singer’s (now deceased) brother, who suffered from brain cancer. And who can’t love Bar Ba Sol, a song unshamedly using words like ‘fugue’?