Robyn Writes

Show Stereotypes You Want To Punch In The Face: HEAVY FUCKING METAL

I remember doing one of these a long, long time ago, and even more vaguely remember saying there’d be a part two at some point. So pretty much a year later, here we go! Based on the fact that I went to a Municipal Waste show on Saturday, let’s do this METAL STYLE.

Thrash Metal Jacket
Seriously, why the hell do these guys think they’re cool? Denim jackets haven’t been in vogue since Saved By The Bell. I understand all about wanting to represent your favourite bands, but so many patches on one jacket? It’s confusing. It’s messy. It’s just not suave. These guys are also the ones who’ll be making the ‘devil horns’ gesture that nobody’s done since they were 14.

How to deal with them: Subliminal, subliminal mocking. You know you love it.

Emo kid, get the fuck outta Dodge!
The scene kid who should have been at the Kerrang! Tour next door, but decided to stick it out and be hardcore for some unknown reason. They’ll be found wearing a The Devil Wears Prada or Bless The Fall shirt, because that’s generally as close as they get to metal. You’ll recognise them instantly – just look for the fringe and skinny jeans. Usually found with friends.

How to deal with them: Fling ’em in the pit. Aiden might call out for a wall of death at their shows, but these kids will have no idea what a real one’s like.

Goth girl ain’t got style
I’m not generally one to poke fun at the goths. I went through that whole phase, I got some respect. However, when you’ve got a fucking huge mohawk, are wearing boots as tall as my shins and you’re stood right in front of me, then I’m gonna be pissed. Also, depending upon what metal gig you’re at, the goths can bring the mood right down. That’s cool when it’s Opeth, not so much when it’s Anthrax.

How to deal with them: Unfortunately, those boots are like body armour, making your job a bit tougher. However, attack them on the psychological front by wearing as much colour as possible.

Punk? In my metal show?
We can all be fans of whatever genre we like, that’s a given. But you still get those old punks – and I mean old – who share an affinity with the thrash metal guy due to their mutual love of denim jackets, studs and songs under two minutes long. Despite these deep rooted ties, they just look out of place now, especially as they’re balding, fat and work in an office.
How to deal with them: No need to bother, they might break a hip in the moshpit.

Mommy, can I go out and mosh tonight?
This was me, a very long time ago. And I bet I was annoying as fuck. You know who I mean – the little kids with parents in tow. It wasn’t too bad when I was a kid; my parents actually liked the same music as me. But I really feel for those parents who stand at the back with the merch, nodding politely, while their kids stand at the edge of the pit, too afraid to join in and generally getting in the way.

How to deal with them: Be nice! You were there too at one point. Hell, my dad still takes me to shows on occasion.

Show Stereotypes You Want To Punch In The Face pt 1

If you’re a regular concert goer, then there’s no doubt that you’ll know of the entire multitude of annoying people that can confront you when you’re there. Every time you go to a show, you will see these people. Whether it’s a low key affair with 80 people or an arena gig with 10,000 people, it’s inevitable. So, if you can’t escape it, why not poke subtle fun at their ridiculous facades? Find out how with TBO’s friendly guide!

The fangirl
Perhaps the most hated of all, the fangirl is sadly a common beast. They gather in groups, giggling away with their cameras at the ready so they can snap as many pictures of the ever so gorgeous lead singer that their Myspace will hold. Who knows, if they do enough whining and waiting, they may even get a photo with the lead singer himself. They know all the lyrics and they will sing them badly into your ears, blocking any sound of the band itself.

How to deal with them: Fangirls are relatively stupid for the most part. A simple “Look over there, it’s Gerard Way!” will distract them for a good ten minutes and send them off in the opposite direction. Alternatively, throw those free stickers that you got from the support band outside towards the moshpit. That’ll teach ’em.

The hardcore fan who can’t find the moshpit
Not quite as bad as fangirls, but almost as annoying. These guys also love the band to near rabid proportions, but it’s because they actually appreciate the music. The band just… gets them, man. Their lyrics are so perfect to life, you know? Most of the time, these guys are 15 and scared of the pit, so they jump and flail around in front of you instead, inflicting pain and irritation on a mass scale. Just asking them to move three steps to the left never works.

How to deal with them: A swift shove into the middle of the pit should sort them out in no time.

The couple at the front
Oh, how you hate the couple at the front. They’re usually attractive and in love and they will shove it in your face by kissing really overtly in front of you. They’re always right on the barrier, but they’re only ever paying attention to each other. Politely asking them to move will result in them parting, sneering a ‘fuck you’ and going back to default position. And they make you jealous because you’re single.

How to deal with them: Grab the nearest (and preferably most attractive) person to you and start making out with them. The couple at the front are not big fans of competition.

The elitist
Ah, the elitist. An old TBO favourite. They’re there to irritate you with their casual glances, hip clothing and know-it-all attitude. Really, they know everything about the band, but not in a creepy way – in that hip and awesome way that makes you wish that you were that passionate about your favourite band. They stand at the back, watching politely, eyes never wandering. Sometimes they appear with friends, but not often. You hate them because they’ll probably have a beer with the band later.

How to deal with them: The elitist never does anything to directly offend, so it’s difficult. To be honest, they’re impenetrable.

The scene queen
This used to only apply to pop-punk and those irritating metalcore shows, but now the scene queen is slowly creeping towards your subculture. You know the type – big hair, loud makeup, neon clothes; all the shit that reflects when the lights go on the crowd. They probably have a bad cursive tattoo of All Time Low lyrics across their chest and will bitch you out if you so much as look at them with mild disdain. Well, that is unless you get out a camera.

How to deal with them: Try and best them at their own game with some equally glaring makeup of your own. They hate scene queen rivals.

Remember – be prepared. Only you can protect your fellow show goers from these menaces!

Ways To Deal With Those Fucking Hardcore Dancers by ninthandash

You know how it is. You’re at one of your first hardcore shows. Converge have just come on stage, and you’re pretty excited. The crowd are noisy, the music’s even noisier, and all in all it’s shaping up to be a good night. Then you start getting pushed back as a circle opens up. The singer’s screaming into a mic, and there’s about to be a breakdown in the music. All signs point to a pit — and hardcore pits are, without a doubt, some of the best and most extreme.

So you’re getting ready to jump in there, but some kids beat you to it. And instead of thrashing or slamdancing, they’re doing some other weird thing. They’re swinging their arms around wildly, in a circle, and doing something that looks like skanking but, well… it isn’t. It’s like some bastardized form. The hardcore veterans around you start scoffing and mocking them. And this? This is your first experience of a horrible thing called hardcore dancing.

It’s a stupid name, for a start. The terms hardcore and dancing together are antonymous. They’re not supposed to go together. Moshing is acceptable, and skanking is always good. But hardcore dancing isn’t. When it started, it was an expression of the music, just like anything else. But slowly, it’s become something different. Scenesters do it in order to look cool. It stops everyone else from having a good time. And they usually have little or no concern for the people around them. So what do you do? How do you stop this so-called ‘dancing’ from occurring?

Stage 1: Glaring.
This is more glaring in their general direction. It’s incredibly hard to catch someone’s eye when they’re windmilling about or, worse, attempting to two-step. In order to have more of an effect, sometimes the glaring is combined with hands on hips. If you can find enough space, that is.

Stage 2: Getting In The Way.
They can’t dance if there’s no room to dance, right? So you edge a little further towards them. Maybe dig an elbow into their ribs when they get too close, or stick a foot out in a hopeful attempt to trip them up. It doesn’t work, though. You’ll just get hit in the face by one of their flailing arms.

Stage 3: Verbal Harrassment.
All forms of subtlety gone, your patience is beginning to wear thin. It was bad enough during the support band, but they’re continuing into the headlining set. You hear a few cries of “FUCKIN’ SHITHEADS,” and “GET THE FUCK OUT.” Hardcore kids are never the most imaginative ones when it comes to insults, but for once you don’t hesitate in joining them. It’s not just dancing; it’s more than that. It’s personal.

Stage 4: All Out War.
It never usually goes past more than four stages. Hardcore is not synonymous with patience, and most hardcore kids are renowned for their short tempers. The dancers have had their warnings. They must be well aware that they’re annoying everyone else in the venue. And their friends have taken the shitty MySpace photos of them that they wanted. But they’re still continuing, so they’re asking for it. At this point, the other hardcore kids join the circle. Instead of dancing, they take over and turn it into a hardcore pit. Remember: it’s not truly over until all of the dancers have had a fist to the face. Otherwise, they’ll just never learn!

Required Watching:
Sick Of It All – Step Down.
A.F.I. – The Leaving Song Pt II.
A Day To Remember – The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle.
Hatebreed – I Will Be Heard.